Bada-Bing Bada-Bing Ch-18

Shock


"No."

"Please Sam, just let me explain."

"No."

I refused to even turn my head and look at Yesung. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the rest of the boys looking at us worriedly.

"Why not, Sam?"

"Because, Yesung, I don't think you deserve my respect after what you caused."

And I don't need the stress...

"What I caused?"

I didn't even answer.

"Sam."

I stood to my feet and headed off toward my bedroom, hearing a faint protest from either Sungmin or Ryeowook as I left.

"Sam, if you'd just listen to me!"

I span on my heel, looking up at the dark haired man.

"Listen to what, huh? Do you know how hard it is to live through something so terrible as getting... G-getting... DAMMIT." I threw my hands up in frustration, still unable to say that word, "And then, Kim Jongwoon, being left alone and almost having it happen again. Do you now what that feels like? How terrifying it is? Huh?"

His face stayed blank as he watched me, my lip trembling.

"D-do you even care?"

He continued to just look at me, but he slowly reached down and took my wrists in his hands, moving down to sit on his knees in front of me.

"... Sam I--"

"I swear to god, if you propose I'm going to kill you."

His lips stretched into a smile and he shook his head, "Oh, no... I wasn't going to... But I wanted to apologize. Properly."

I scoffed, trying to pull my hand from his, "If they're just a bunch of empty words, Yesung, I don't want to hear it."

"Who said they'd be empty words? What is your damn problem?" He got up and scowled down at me, his nose wrinkling as if I was disgusting to look at.

"YOU ARE MY DAMN PROBLEM. I've had it up to here," I held my hand above my head, "With your whiny bitching about how you love me and all that other crap. If you loved me then why didn't you even bother to call and let me know you weren't going to be there?"

"Because the fan--"

"The fans can't intercept your phone calls, idiot. Don't give me that lame excuse."

He gaped, his eyes flashing with desperation as he searched for something to say.

"And while I'm on the topic of romance, what is this whole thing between you and Kyuhyun?" I growled, spinning around to look at the Maknae who had a look of pure fear on his face, "Are you two really battling it out to see who would win my affection? To win me? Am I an object? Is that all I am?"

Yesung made a strange choking noise, "I-I... W-we..."

"I don't want to hear more excuses! I have feelings!! Or did we all forget that? Do we think I have my life planned out perfectly? Oh, I think I'll make this guy fall in love with me on this day and then be left all alone to face being... B-being..."

I didn't realize I was on the verge of tears until I screamed the words, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE VIOLATED LIKE THAT? TO FEEL – NOT ONE, BUT TWO – PAIRS OF UNWANTED HANDS ON YOUR BODY? TO BE RAPED?"

Wetness trickles down my cheeks and met at my chin where it dropped off and hit the floor with such a loud 'plop' that it seemed to echo around the silent room.

"S-Sam... We're so sorry..." I didn't even know who said it, but I didn't want to hear that. I'd heard it enough.

"N-no... No... You know what? I'm so sick of all of you." My voice cracked as I slammed my fist against the wall, "I can't do this anymore. I can't live with this nonsense anymore..."

With that, I walked past them all, shut myself in my bedroom and sobbed until I fell asleep curled up on the floor.



--



~Heechul POV~



I knew this would happen.

And I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the Earth for not realizing it sooner.

"Hyung... What are we going to do?" Shindong - the last person I'd expect to be seriously caring - asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"It's not like she's going to up and leave, right?" Donghae looked beyond worried, "R-right?"

I shrugged, "She's done it before, Hae. I don't doubt that she would again."

"It's not that hard to just buy a ticket to go someplace." Siwon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "She's twenty four. She could go absolutely anywhere."

"I could loose her again..." I buried my face in my hands, "If I tried to find her, she'd just run away... She's good at that."

Then there was a faint whisper from the corner of the room.

"Hyung... I'm so sorry for causing this."

Yesung and Kyuhyun were sitting together by the wall, both looking equally defeated and their faces white. Kyuhyun looked like he was going to cry.

"I don't blame you two." I said, "Sam doesn't either. It's just, hard for her to get over the past sometimes."

"But she was so upset with us..."

"It's hard for her." I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, "And I know that's no excuse for the way she treats people sometimes, but it really is harder then anyone can image."

"Why is it so hard, Hyung?" Henry tilted his head slightly, completely confused.

"Not everyone knows her story." Leeteuk said softly, feeling my arm tense next to his as he spoke.

"I'm not telling it." I hissed.

"Please, Hyung? We're curious. If we can help her in any way we want to know exactly why she's like this."

"Alright... Alright." I let out a heavy sigh before clearing my throat, getting ready to tell the whole story.



"It started when she moved to England."



--



~ Past ~



Without getting into much detail, there was a boy and there was a girl. Her name was Sam and he was called James. He was her best friend in their school, being the first person she oh-so-clumsily spilled paint all over in their art class.

It was late one night and she was working on a project after hours. Obviously not the only one still in the school facility, but the only one in the art studio.

When James came to see her she had freaked out, waving her paintbrush around like it was some kind of sword and simultaneously coating her left hand with a deep blue paint.

From then, James sat quietly until she was washing up at the sinks, to which he rose from his seat and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

She had asked what he was doing and he came outright with the words "I love you! Please go out with me!"

Sam rejected him.

That's when things went bad.

James grabbed her arm and pushed her into an easel, knocking both her and several paints and canvases to the ground before he tore her clothes.

A teacher heard, but instead of making things better and stopping the assault, he decided that he would join in.

After what seemed like hours of writhing, unending pain for Sam, some students heard the screaming and called the police.

Both men were charged with rape and sent to jail.

Sam was left as the freak who was assaulted by her best friend and a teacher.



--



"So you see... Sam feels as if she's dirty." My voice shook slightly but I shrugged it off, "No one asks for these things to happen, but they do. And living with the memories is the hardest part."

The boys looked dumbstruck. Jongwoon was close to bursting into tears, much like Kyuhyun had been before.

"No wonder she had such a reaction to that other guy." Sungmin murmured.

"How would you feel? Having the same thing happen again? Or at least thinking it would?"

"You're right, Hyung..."



--



~Sam POV~



Honestly, I don't remember the last time I felt this crappy.

I had just yelled at two guys for something that wasn't really their fault... And basically blamed everyone in the dorm for my messed up life...

I couldn't help but just sit in my bed the whole next day and think.

Usually I pondered over what would be best. If I should just stay here and work it out or leave. But if I left, would I leave Seoul? Would I leave Korea and go back to England? What would I do?

But... Then I thought about how much better everyone would be without me.

For starters, Yesung and Kyuhyun. They wouldn't have to have such a ridiculous fight going over me. Which they shouldn't have been in the first place, since I'm nothing really to be proud of. And I'm not just saying that to get the sympathy votes. I'm really not a girl worth two... Maybe three guy's affection. God I sound like a slut.

And besides, there are plenty of other girls out there that would be better and actually return their feelings. They deserve that.

Then of course there was Heechul. My beautiful brother who was so kind as to take me in and actually look after my lazy ass after I do selfishly dumped myself on him and didn't even appreciate the fact that he had actually asked Leeteuk Oppa to make room for me to stay here. I didn't even say thank you to anyone when I came. I didn't smile or be grateful that there was a bed for me to sleep in and food for me to eat...

Am I really that selfish?



... They would be so much better off without me...



--



"Sam, will you please just tell us why you've got us all squashed in here?"

Eunhyuk whined as someone sat on his leg.

I waited until they all looked at me before I cleared my throat, brushing my hair back behind my ear.

"I just wanted to let you all know about an important decision that I have come to."

They stared, the whole room completely silent.



"... I'm leaving."